Lifequake!

Every year, just before my birthday, I have all my annual health checks and general physical maintenance. That way I get it all done and get all my clear results back in time for my birthday and I can celebrate with a clear mind! There is only one little problem with this system, and perhaps you've spotted it already...

This year my annual ultrasound/mammogram came back with a "suspicious" lymph node in my neck. Just in time to make my birthday one of suspense, and not in a good way. So the week after my birthday I was back in hospital having CT scans, bone scans, and when neither of these were conclusive, a biopsy.

The ultrasound-guided biopsy was quite amusing, in its own way. The radiologist and ultrasonographer were murmuring quietly to each other for a while, moving the probe around and murmuring some more. Finally, they decided to share, and the radiologist (that's the doctor with a big needle in his hand) turns to me and says "I don't feel very comfortable about this."

My first thought was "You're not comfortable? You're not the one on the sharp end of the biopsy needle!"

My second thought was "If you're not feeling absolutely 100% tip-top confident you know what you are doing, then I don't want you sticking the needle in either!"

In the end, the radiologist and I agreed that a core biopsy was not going to work. There are too many big, important structures in the neck for either of us to want a needle on a spring being shot in there, even under ultrasound guidance.

So I ended up going for a surgical biopsy of my neck under a general anaesthetic, with the hope that the "suspicious" lymph node would be removed and sent to the lab, and whether it turned out to be cancer or not, it would be out of my neck at least!

I woke up to the surgeon saying, "I hope you aren't disappointed."

Because waking up to hear that the cancer is back, has broken out of the lymph node and is now wrapped inoperably around the arteries in my neck - surely that's the definition of disappointing!

I am now off to the Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre to find out if there are any clinical trials open which might be suitable for me -  it's medical experiments for me! I'm having a PET scan first, which is one of the radioactive ones, so by this time next week I will be a glow-in-the-dark guinea pig. I'll let you know if I develop any superpowers!

Low Energy Parenting: LEP-ing 101

The first thing I learned about parenting three children under five while having treatment for cancer, is that my girls are smarter, fairer and more empathic that I had ever realised. Kudos to them. The main lesson for me was to learn to get out of the way and let them get on with it!

My parenting style previously had been fairly "hands-on". Experiences were discussed and dissected and used as learning tools. I was fairly directive in how this was done. There was space for free play, of course, but I decided when and where this would be.

All that went out the window when I got sick.

Suddenly I was lying on the couch with very little ability to do anything. Even talking too much would make me throw up if I overdid it. (It took me a few goes to figure this out. Anyone who knows me in any capacity knows that I like to talk!)

So I learned to ask questions and let the girls figure it out on their own. This was not an easy lesson for me, but they were wiser and more patient than I thought they could possibly be, and they taught me.

Here's one of my early lessons in letting them find their own solutions: Evie and Zoe were having a fairly loud discussion over who could have which blocks. Evie had most of a tower built and Zoe had most of a ship.

Me: You can have half of the blocks each.
Evie and Zoe: No! Then I can't finish my building!
Me: How about Evie takes all the blue blocks and Zoe has all the orange blocks?
Evie and Zoe: No!
Me: You both need ALL the blocks, is that right? I'm too tired for this. You figure it out. 

I dozed on the couch and let them have their own bargaining session. They worked out that if they took turns (instead of sharing) then they could each have ALL the blocks for part of the time. They were both happy with that - solution found.

This was just the first step for me in realising that if I give them room to work it out among themselves, they often come up with creative solutions that fair and are more acceptable to them both than I could have produced by parental fiat.

We now have a lot of "turn-taking" mechanisms in the house - I set the timer for them quite often at their request to make sure the turns are fair. I would never have thought of this - I was brought up on "sharing" (and this still seems to me to be the logical way to do it). But I've learned not to argue with a five-year old who has made up her mind!

Other solutions they have created for themselves:

Evie decided to get up half an hour earlier in the morning in order to be less rushed.
Zoe puts her "special" birthday pencils away in her room and only draws with them there. Any pencils which are in the living room are fair game for anyone to use.
When unloading the dishwasher, Zoe will do the plates and bowls, Evie does the cutlery.
Whoever got into the bath first has to get out first.

These are all their own solutions to issues which were causing conflict. I have asked questions or pointed out problems which need to be solved, but I have not given them any of these solutions. I also try hard not to "referee" the discussion and dictate which solutions are not acceptable to me. So far, each girl (including Benji) has been very quick to point out when a solution is not fair to her! My main role is to keep them working on it until everyone agrees that the solution is fair to them all.

The unexpected benefit to me is that I am often now included in this "fairness calculation". Evie realised that if I cook dinner for all of them, it would be "fairer" if she put my plate in the dishwasher for me! Zoe has learned that if I am eating dinner she can get up and get her own cup of water from the tap, and get one for Benji too!

So, in summary, my secret for low-energy parenting is to force myself not to say anything! I just keep the "discussion" from getting too heated, but let them find their own way. They can do it - they are teaching me to give them the time and space to do it.

Where am I?

So, it has been five months since I last posted here. I've been doing lots of things that don't involve being a cancer patient!

I rejoined my choir.
I signed up to help teach music to pre-schoolers.
I went back to work.
I applied for a new job.
I've been making audiobooks.*
I've taken up running (the couch to 5K program).
I've signed on as the lead clinician in a new research study we are running.
I've been going to parks and playgrounds.
I worked out how to use Zoe's scooter. (She doesn't like it anymore.)
And I cleaned and reorganised the pantry.

So in the midst of all this I realised that I don't want to write about my diagnosis and treatment story. I just don't want to go back there. I don't want to write about where I was. I want to write about where I am now.

I've learned a lot from the whole process of cancer treatment, and I want to reflect on that, not on the events that got me where I am. I want to move forward and take what I've learned with me, not to dwell in the dark days of chemo, surgery, radiotherapy and being sick all the time.

So this is just a short post to say, not "where have I been?" but "where am I now?"

I plan to resume this blog on a more or less weekly basis, but to focus on moving forward. I will probably at some point in the future be ready to process the rest of the diagnosis/treatment journey but now I'm happy to say that I'm moving on from that place. I'm taking my medications every day and planning to stay well for a long time to come!

*Here's a small sample of what I've been doing - I'm playing Sherlock Holmes in this dramatised reading of the classic short stories: https://librivox.org/his-last-bow-some-reminiscences-of-sherlock-holmes-dramatic-reading-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/